Did not need to come back
Transformers. The original Transformers had a bizarro quality to them. Like, an evil robot dog that turns into a microcassette that goes in a microcassette recorder robot. (Take this dictation, motherfuckers!) Or a robot that turns into a space shuttle that turns into a steam locomotive. And when they transformed into humanoid form, they looked super awkward. Now they’re just big loud robot-looking robots. What fun is that?
Strawberry Shortcake. Every doll smells like a different food. There are enough kids at school who smell like different weird foods; I don’t need them sitting on my shelf.
My Little Pony. These are, and always have been, strictly for candy ravers. Unless I’m going to get high when I lick that picture of a rainbow on the pony’s ass, I’ve got no use for this shit.
Care Bears. They shoot people with love that comes out of their stomachs. Come on. This whole brand is nothing more than a gift to the people who like to have sex in animal suits.
Cabbage Patch Kids. Xavier Roberts had a million kids, tattooed his name on their asses, and gave them all up for adoption. Kill the product line and give that guy a reality TV show.
Should come back
She-Ra. What a badass. Why do we have a crappy Avengers movie instead of a movie where She-Ra and Xena join forces, and Xena’s into She-Ra but She-Ra has a weird thing going on with her brother He-Man, and He-Man’s perving on Gabrielle but Gabrielle’s obviously wet for She-Ra? It would be like Closer, but with talking green tigers.
Go For It! This game ruled. To win, you had to buy as much consumer crap as you possibly could—the first player to buy useless shit in all major retail categories won. It was even better than Mall Madness.
Muppet Babies. So the Muppets are back, whatever. Fuck the Muppets. The Muppet Babies were cuter than sloth GIFs.
Teddy Ruxbin. You put a tape in him, and his mouth moved while he talked. Teddy Ruxbin was actually too expensive for my family to own, which is why I want it to come back: I want to buy one and see if he’ll work with Adam Carolla tapes.
Lawn darts. They still have these, but now they’re just weighted—not pointed, like they used to be. I have a few people I’d like to play a very aggressive game of old-school lawn darts with.