This morning I woke up in a strange bed, and I was naked. There was a naked man in bed with me. When I turned over, he smiled and said good morning.
“Where am I?” I asked.
“This is my apartment,” he said.
“Oh,” I replied. My head raced to do the math…I went to that bar, I danced with a bunch of guys…I remembered this one, but I forgot what his name was. I recognized him as a special ed aide who used to work at the school where I tutor. That must be why I trusted him. Also, he was cute. And I was really drunk.
“Did we…?” I asked.
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“Oh,” I replied. “Okay.”
He looked concerned. “You…don’t remember?”
I shook my head. “No. Sorry.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “We were both drunk, but I didn’t know you were…blackout?”
“It’s okay,” I said, and pulled a sheet around me as I got out to look for my clothes. I found them in the kitchen. I didn’t remember anything about his apartment at all.
He offered to drive me home, but I said no thanks and took the bus. I was too weirded out by the whole situation, and a belatedly defensive part of my brain screamed, “Don’t let him know where you live!”
I didn’t even think to ask whether we use a condom. I think we did. I hope we did. He seems like an okay guy…but I’d better get checked out. You have to wait six months for a reliable HIV test. I don’t even know.
Legally I know it’s rape if one party is too drunk to consent…but how could he have known? People always tell me I’m so composed when I’m drunk, they can’t even tell until I run into a door or something. Something like a penis.
Is this okay? What should I do? It’s probably okay. It was stupid of me to get so drunk. It was stupid of me, however drunkenly, to go home with him. But I know why I probably did. It’s been lonely, living alone. Yoga can only do so much to soothe your soul. You need cuddles, and more.
I didn’t even get his number. Should I go back and see him? Would he even answer the door, after the way I acted freaked out by him and stumbled out? Should I be freaked out by him? Was that creepy of him? Am I pregnant with his child?
I don’t even know. I’m going back to bed to have a really loud motherfucking cry.